Those kids, the ones on the other side.

It is both alarming and funny how they get distracted in a matter of seconds. They’re listening to everything you’re saying but you may lose them to a brilliant idea that touched the waters of their turbulent minds. Haven’t you ever met that boy who couldn’t stay still? The girl who kept walking and the sun blazed on? The kid who never completed coloring the whole picture? They are different, finicky, restless, fidgety and for the most part, extremely sorry.

They cannot keep a job, cannot keep time. They cannot explain why everything is funny, how even the serious most conversations can be turned into a joke. They feel everything tenfold, they are blamed for being hasty, selfish, for being the red in the yellow. They are the ones who look like they don’t care enough the ones who don’t look back. There are bouts of confusion, when everything is fine, the sun rising and melting like everyday, but the heart flutters rapid and startled in the rib-cage. It looks like a gaping hole, their life devoid of something substantial like a job, or a lover, or simply put, the ability to focus.

Don’t hold it against them because you will feel like that too. Like a little girl lost in the woods. Like the boy who starts writing only to leave the table full of coffee rings and smoke buds. It is frustrating sometimes, to not be able to tell one feeling from another or to change into ten pairs of clothes and get out of the house looking like a house on fire. It is hard to live inside someone who changes their mind so many times, it is hard to keep up.

Love is wonderful

Maybe it is not entirely love that screws us up. Maybe more than love letting us down, we are letting love down. We fail at the start, we stumble at the stops. We give up easy, we fall short. We don’t ask to be held enough, we don’t ask to be followed when we storm out in inexplicable rage. We don’t turn around. We don’t return a hug. We don’t ask to be forgiven, we don’t ask for acceptance. We never reach out, our inflated egos are a too huge to be put away. We turn the page never noticing how hard our fingers tremble. We walk out tear stained, lost and then break into a run. Maybe, love gets so tired giving out chances that it walks away. Maybe because you let it inside your skin, you will have to be torn apart for all the love to be let out. Maybe, love is wonderful.

If you came back and I was gone

Hi. I don’t know you, I have no idea who you are, what you think like, and where you come from but I can tell you that it doesn’t matter.

I don’t know who I am either.

So many times I have been told that I am a warm person and that I make people comfortable. So many times this has been held up and against me. I get confused, incredibly confused and I don’t know what to do with this knowledge. How do you go from being something all your life to something else? Not that I haven’t tried and because I have, right now I am stuck in transition. I return all your calls, I hang with you, I do things you like and you say, ‘I feel that you’re here, but you aren’t really there’.

I am a cracker. I will sit across you and there will not be one dull moment. But I zone out easy too. I like to sit with my music and not talk for hours. I wish for comfort in your silence and for you to find comfort in mine. Don’t accuse me of over thinking because sometimes I genuinely sit in a roomful of people without a single thought in my head. Sometimes, nothing matters to me and it really is as simple as that.

Yes, I start tasks I will never complete, I have ideas which won’t see daylight and there must be a couple of books I have read and broken up halfway with. I do my best to calm the hell down but I cannot. I am out on a limb here too, like you are. I have been given a life and asked to make something out of it like you will. I am as confused as you are, maybe more. I have made mistakes I shouldn’t have and torn stuff apart but are you telling me you have had it perfectly laid out for you?  Are you telling me you haven’t had a million infatuations? Are you telling me that you haven’t chosen to sit in the sun because you are broke and cannot sit in a café so expensive that you’d have to choose between a cup of coffee and a liter of fuel?

I am flitting in and out of lives, like people are weaving through mine. I am scared about everything too. We try, we lose some, we lose some more. People drift away. You find yourself flowing out of everyone’s reach, reaching a point where you stop and don’t remember how you got there. I don’t want to make the world a better place, I am not a crusader. I don’t have the world or a chip on my shoulder. I have you, maybe I don’t. We are meant to meet or not. In the midst of it all, you are where you are and I am where I am. If you came back and I was gone, send me a smile.